So being torn between moving away and staying a townie... I can't decide. I have found that I could "possibly" attain a job in New York but would I want to work every day just to make my rent? Then there is Hawaii. Always looming that island is. It taunts me knowing that I would love nothing but to go there and live my life out. A couple months ago on Groupon I found this resort that also offers volunteer options. Kalani. Thinking about it back then I could have never done so. Dad. Jimmy. And also the fact that I didn't have money saved. I have recently revisited this place's website. The site is pulled up on my tabs waiting for me to finish the application. Why do I have to ask for permission? Or not permission but feeling guilty. I'm going to do it. Ripped that hypothetical bandaid off. I have only my mind to lose. ...And I just did it. Sent.

These days are the kinds of days that I look forward to... if I had a camera. The crisp air. The colors on the trees. All of the variations of this make me depressed. So depressed that I stay in and avoid looking out the window. Yet I sit here typing making sideways glances out the window. Yellow-oranges against bright blues. Shadows playing taunting games at me. Days like this should not be wasted. Here I am just sitting here.

Here is what I mean...

There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
And now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all
And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide
Lying awake at night...

more class poetry

there are birds
fat, fat robins
and tiny brown ones
picking at the ground
with a purpose
that I cannot see
unaffected by the cold
they seem to do
this all day.
grass
street

brown sticks extended to the sky
bright blue but cold
sound of diesel trucks against chirping birds
numbs my mind, chilled wind
freezing fingers
litter-less greenery, surprising
sun warms yellow buds
brown, blue, green, yellow
chirping, motoring, trickling, babbling
twisted limbs creak
so cold
too soon

i want to be perfect. for you.

back to this blogging stuff. recently I was researching the history of my town. i cannot believe how intertwined this town is. this unnamed cemetery is the works. so many people. such little time. sharing the pictures soon. this series makes me think how grateful I am to live in a town with so much history. grad time is close. I will have time to blogandblogandblog.